For most of you … November 2nd, 2003 was just another day. Maybe you watched football on TV…or even went to the game. But even if your team won…I don’t think that you can remember the details of the day as well as I do.
For me…It was not just another day. A group of us were gathering in Seattle for the Seahawks vs. Steelers game when my life changed forever. As I was trying to speak to my friends…I became unable to talk…and I passed out.
When I woke up in a hospital bed with a bad headache I didn’t know why I had passed out…but I vaguely remembered something with my speech…and not being able to talk.
I was introduced to my new reality when a young doctor escorted me down the hall as she told me that I just had seizure. We came to a room full of images. The images were from an MRI of the brain…my brain. As an added bonus…the images revealed that I had something inside my head that didn’t belong there…a tumor.
The feelings associated with this announcement are difficult to explain…shock and disbelief are a good place to start. Eventually these emotions were followed by denial…resignation…and eventually…resolve.
I was actually fortunate that I had the seizure to alert me of the tumor’s existence- I may be alive because of it! There is a good chance that without that moment in time, I may have lived with an unknown tumor until it was too late.
Every time that I reflect back to this part of my life, I pass by many pit-stops along the way. I can’t simply jump to the beginning of my journey without visiting some of the memories associated with this moment in time.
I remember the uncertain path that I was to follow to get where I am today. It was hard to imagine that I would still be here today…16 years later. But I did imagine…and I decided that that my best course of action was to manifest success.
I went through three different surgeries…direct placement chemo therapy…and finally radiation. It was time to begin my post treatment life…to see a future. I celebrated my last day of radiation, June 3rd, 2004, by going backcountry skiing. Not only was it great fun…it represented living my life as if nothing had changed.
As I moved forward I would see periodic news stories about a high profile person like politicians, sport stars, and rock stars being diagnosed with this insidious disease. I became closer to them because of this connection…and followed their stories. It’s not that I liked them more than I had before. It’s simply that we now had an unwanted kinship.
I still have a highly personal reaction when I hear the news of a celebrity or someone in our community is diagnosed. Treatment is not highly successful and every time someone falls…it has an effect on me. There are certainly success stories…and this also has an effect on me.
When I first asked myself ‘is this survivor’s guilt’? I came to the realization that it was survivor’s relief…and even survivor’s disbelief. I learned to move past any feelings of guilt. They did not die in order for me to keep living… I am simply a fortunate survivor.
So I take this day to think about all of those who have been diagnosed with brain tumors since that day…and I share my story for those who may follow me in this journey. When we acknowledge the survivor’s…we give reason for hope.
It may seem odd to celebrate the anniversary of this moment in time. But this was the beginning of my new reality…and my path forward. It is my intention to celebrate this path forward for years to come.
